I’m desi. And while I’m fabulous, lively and oh so multicultural, I’m also late to most appointments, meetings and social events. Here are 11 legit reasons why I’m late. Feel free to use them and better still add to them!
Note: This piece is satirical. All resemble to actual events and persons might be deliberate and I take as creative inspiration. Ofcourse, I will totally deny it if you confront me.
11 legit reasons why I’m late
1. My desi/Southasian/Pakistani/Indian dress is way too complicated to iron and takes ages. I leave it to the last hour to take out my jora and try to straighten out the kameez and that mile long dupatta.
2. My hair, can I even start on South Asian hair! My natural untreated hair are frizzy on steroids. I need an hour to make my frizz come across as natural curls.
3. I need a half-an-hour photo session before I leave the house in my complete outfit, in multiple poses, to send to my mother. She sent me this outfit so wants to see how I look in it: in close up, full length and sideways please.
4. I leave gift-buying to the last moment and think it’s a great idea to stop at a busy mall on my way to the event. Being late is socially acceptable, going khali haath (empty handed) not at all!
5. My mother called me and I have to pick her call. Otherwise she assumes I’m not well at the first missed ring and dead at the second. On the third missed ring, she is booking a ticket to fly over.
6. My child pooped just before I left. Actually he didn’t. I had to poop just before I left, but it’s easier blaming the kid.
7. I have to Snapchat/Instagram/Facebook Live and tell everyone on my list how I’m running late for an event. Then also show my whole look and outfit. Must remember to ban the host and her besties next time.
8. Your house is too far away. And I will remind you of this as soon as I arrive (skipping the fact that I left the house 30 minutes late).
9. I don’t look up directions. I leave that for when I’m sitting in the car. I don’t even check traffic updates on Google Maps. Never trust the internet.
10. I have a genuine fear of being the first to arrive. See it’s a complex process calculating the optimal time to be at the event: after the hosts have set up, after those crazy punctual military kids (emotionally scarred from their childhoods I say) have arrived but before the food is served and definitely before those labelled the perpetual late-lateefs. See, you don’t want to be tagged that because after that even these very valid reasons aren’t believed.
11. I stop for a few car selfies outside your house.
So, these are my reasons. What are yours?
+ Read More: 12 Things That Happen at a Desi Dinner Party